Monday, January 14, 2008

Bye Buster.

I remember Amy & I walking through the line of cages. There was a tiger kitten scaling the bars--I liked her attitude. But AE was attracted to the black and white guy squatting sullenly in a box by himself. He certainly was handsome. A bit older. 6 months or so. A pouting teenager. The info card said someone had adopted him secretly and then had to give him up because their landlord discovered him. (I think. I could be distorting things miserably. I wonder if I wrote anything down in my journals?)

Amy sent me an email Saturday saying that he lost all his weight this past month. That his liver gave up. That he was comfortable until the last day. She put him down. Reading her message, I start to cry. (It's Monday. I'm at work. Damn. I'm trying not to sob and wail. Struggling to be quiet.)

Buster Buddy Boy.

Just yesterday [he was already gone & I didn't know it].... Just yesterday I was laughing about the game he & I played over the whole "fenced yard" thing. He LOVED to escape. And he was really good at it. I can't tell you how many Sunday afternoons were devoted to this sport -- me watching him quietly until he couldn't stand it and had to go for it. Me hauling him back in and then lashing more green garden fencing to trees and stakes and existing fence posts.

He loved the glider on the porch, the one with the comfy outdoor cushions. I think Amy & I once had a picture of Buster, Jasper and Luke reclining companionably in the sun. I can call it up in my head. Buster and Jasper and Luke. The idea makes me smile even though I think every time one of them dies maybe I should go too. If there is something beyond this life... if Luke and Buster and Hannah (cat, cat, dog) were already "there" to grab my hand and pull me "over," I wouldn't be afraid.

I would be utterly pleased if that could be what Infinity is.

Buster the Cat. Died: 12 January 2008.

We were living on Hoster Street in Columbus Ohio. We already had Rico, Puss, Hannah and Missy. (Cat, cat, dog, dog). We had tried couples therapy; she said Amy needed help first. We had a white couch and chair we got from the Penny's outlet store. I grew flowers out back. I'm sure there is much more...

I can't continue like this. Going numb, runningrunningrunning, allergic to myself, refusing to glance back over my shoulder. I need to know what happened to me. To us. I need to be able to come and go from my Past. I need my attention. I need my compassion. I need my courage. And I need a community... I can't do this alone. ((Let's do one thing you want, and one thing I want....))

No comments: